Friday, September 07, 2007

Congrats, Ian, You've Had Your First American Blogger Controversy

Over at Parabasis, there is a discussion about how to have more productive discussions in the theatrosphere.

Ian, from "Theatre Is Territory," wrote in the comments box: "One theory that keeps coming up is that the U.S. was founded on a particularly individualist note (its what gives you your right to bear arms – i.e., "don't get between me and mine.") that has never really left the public conscious. And why should it have?"

Here is my response:

Ian,

As an American blogger, I am deeply offended by this sweeping generalization. I demand that you provide specific and broadly based evidence to support your assertion. When you do, I will then discount said evidence as unrepresentative and provide as counter-evidence posts by six American bloggers who are really nice and never get angry at all, and I'll demand that you apologize to all my American homies. When you assert that the counter-examples don't invalidate the general assertion, I will demand to know how many American bloggers you know personally, which of them you like, and how much time you have actually spent in America in the last 12 months. When you question the relevance of this argument, I will accuse you of dodging the question, call you a damned Canadian hoser and post at least six questions about the topic that I will demand you answer pronto. I will also get my blogger posse to do the same, filling your comments box with dozens of questions and insults. When you finally become frustrated, I will point out that obviously it isn't only Americans who get angry, and that you have invalidated your point yourself. I will then accuse you of beating a dead horse, insult you personally, remove you from my blogroll, and refer to you only as "The Canadian Blogger" from then on. And it will be your fault for provoking me.

Congratulations, Ian, you've now experienced your first American blog controversy! ;-)

11 comments:

Praxis Theatre said...

Scott,

I am shocked and deeply outraged at this unprovoked attack on a the very foundations of Canada and its good people. Can this be taken as anything but a declaration of war? A baseless and mean-spirited assassination of character? My good name . . . drawn (and quartered) through the mud of your sovereign state (or so-called sovereign state!).

Mark my words Scott Walters, this shall not pass. I hereby challenge you to a duel. Bring your side arms (the automatic weapons you so obviously cherish). I shall bring my honorable bow and impeccable Canadian manners. And on the mean streets of the theatrosphere (or so-called theatrosphere) this appalling attack on Canadian values will be vindicated!

When the clock strikes noon, Walters. When the clock strikes noon . . .

Ian

Scott Walters said...

*rattling my sword* Damn you, MacKenzie -- you'll not see the sun set on your wintry landscape. I'll split you from the nave to the chops. I'll have your head on a platter. I'll make you regret you've ever been born! God Bless America!

Simon said...

At last, a call to arms! Ian, I'll be your second, I just have to dig my hockey stick out of the garage. I should probably bring some beer too, eh? What kind do you guys like?

Praxis Theatre said...

Scott,

Hold on a second . . . and allow me to tell you what you're really saying: You are saying that Canadian theatre is EXACTLY the same as New York theatre in that Canada maintains a theatrical hegemony that actively perpetuates harmful stereotypes of Norwegian livestock – namely chickens, cows and domesticated water fowl.

This cultural hegemony has its roots in ancient Greek mythology, which places the good (Norse) gods in direct conflict with the bad (Hindu Maharabata) chicken and cow gods.

Since you clearly hold that position. I have no choice but to enact the little known TREATISE OF QUEBEC – which states – and this is a quote, so it can't be argued against: "All arguments shall be settled upon by the weighing of each town's witch. If the witches, when weighed against each other, are seen to be lighter than said town's daily bean ration, the victory in the argument shall be awarded to the statement that contains the highest degree of enlightened trueness, as determined by the winning town's witch."

I rest my case.

Ian

Scott Walters said...

1. How many witches do you actually know?
2. I know quite a few really fat witches.
3. The Norse religion is kaka.
4. Can you provide documentation of the existence of the Treatise of Quebec?
5. You're an asshole.
6. And I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Praxis Theatre said...

Well I may be an asshole, but you're a University professor – which means you don't know anything about theatre.

And BTW. I was raised by witches. So I think I know what I'm talking about.

Sigh.

Ian

P.S. Simon – to your question: Please bring Molson Canadian. It's stronger than American beer (or so-call American beer). Which means we'll get drunker faster and our arguments will be better.

Simon said...

Hang on Ian, I'm coming. I know that damn thing is in here somewhere. Hey! My old copy of American Bacon! Sweet. That Michael Moore sure is a riot...

Scott Walters said...

I have never been so insulted in my life! Canadian beer stronger than American beer? I can point at dozens of really strong American beers... OK, maybe not. Bring the Molson.

Praxis Theatre said...

Thanks guys! I'd better stop now before I compromise what's left of my dignity and say something stupid(er).

All the best!

Ian

simon said...

Hi guys, sorry I'm late, I brought a two-four, I hope that's enough...guys? Where'd everybody go?

Scott Walters said...

Just leave it on the bench, Simon. We'll be back. ;-)